dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
