he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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