# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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