Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
