he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
