Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
