i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
