It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
