If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
