Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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