This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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