sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
