sarcasm needs its own font
I intend to get homeless drunk
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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