i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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