Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
