it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Randomize
