Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Randomize
