I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
