I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize