the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
