I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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