My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
