if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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