I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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