Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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