Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
