she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
