Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
operation have a gay friend backfired
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
