Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
