when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
