Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize