I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
