I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
