If that was your dad, he is hot
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
