I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
