Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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