You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
