if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
