Plan B is the new Plan A
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
