you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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