is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You ruined the universe
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
