He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
