There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
