Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Randomize
