he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize