A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Randomize
