so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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