hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
