Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
