wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
