what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
