ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
