If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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