Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
