Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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