guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
