It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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