I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
