Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
