I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
