He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
The uberlube is also flammable
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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